I’m really happy, weird right? No, but after a couple of months of infections and just not being able to get over this silly thing, I’m able to work on music again. I’ve decided to re-upload my previous tracks ‘On This Moment’ and ‘Torn Away’, even though they were pretty old and don’t represent me as the artist I am today. However, a few people have asked them to be up for listening purposes instead of having to go to obscure websites to find them. Why not?
Listening to ‘On This Moment’, and remembering the lyrics and how I prepared the song with the producer from that song – going into the studio and getting ready to release ‘When Angels Fall’, and ultimately not doing so. The irony of that song was the fact that when I started working on it, to even doing the demos that are available on the site, lyrically the song is about wanting to run away, disappear and instead keeping to myself. I was quite the depressed individual back then, I’ve learned to cope with said depression after a long time, but it was rather upsetting hearing this song basically being a, “I will be here, every moment for anyone, even if it hurts me, even if I have to wait ’til death. Show me that I’m worth it, that this wait is worth it, that our moment is worth it.” It was a song about struggling to hold on, even though I want to run.
Around the same time, I had written ‘Torn Away’, with the same producer on board if I remember correctly. That song was definitely more of a “I’m done. I’m gone. ‘This is why I’ve given up on everything, including myself’, it was a re-enactment of a lot of things in my life”. A few years ago, I tried to commit suicide, I’m open about it. I had given up on a lot, I was on the streets, I saw nothing else but just despair and darkness. I wanted out. To this day, some days I do still want out. The song starts out with how I started it. I took an entire bottle of strong anti-depressants / sleeping pills, because I just couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t hear myself thinking anymore without the endless drowning of thoughts. That night I had a horrible panic attack, and a lot of things had collectively pushed me over the edge. I awoke 3 days later, unable to walk and dealing with months and months in absolute agony within a couple of hospitals. Learning to walk again, learning how to adapt to the nerve pain I still deal with on a daily basis. After all of that, I fought and fought to get into a real life. Sadly, I had fallen deep again after all of that. I was tired of the lies, the deception from others, the darkness, the reflection that I saw in front of me. The song was a reminiscence of the entire experience, put simply.
Through all of that, and much more than I’d care to discuss, I continued to fight my way out of my own personal hell. There was a particular song that helped me through it all, I guess an album really. ‘A Star-Crossed Wasteland’ by In This Moment. That album kept me alive in a sense. The one song that just kept ringing in my head until I could replicate it on the piano in the hospital I was in, and then singing it for the other residents was ‘World in Flames’.
That song kept me going, no matter what. I was able to keep fighting. At the time, I wasn’t able to touch anything with my feet without crying or being in an absolute hellhole of pain. I had my brother, whom without his support I don’t know what I would have done. A few times when my family would visit, my brother would help me on the hospital piano by putting his foot on the reverb pedal. This love, this newfound light had helped me through so much. After all of that, I went through another traumatic experience and as I said in my previous post, I dealt with it. It took me about 5 years to finally push through and move on, but I was able to.
With ‘Reborn’, my entire goal of the album is to motivate people. Tell them, I know shit sucks. I know that life is horrible. Most days, I don’t even want to get up. I want to give up, I want to just end it right there. But there are reasons to keep going. Use your pain, use your experience. Turn that darkness into light, and change the world for the better. My entire purpose for ‘Reborn’, is to tell people the following, “Keep going”.
Stay true to yourself, and never change for anyone.